"But you look white"

I have never thought of my mixed heritage being such a confusing, sensitive, and problematic part of my identity. Growing up half English and half Bengali, my identity is split in two. I have grown up with such split lives that I have found myself subconsciously switching and adjusting myself to whatever part of my ethnicity I need to tend to. 

Now I don’t want to say that being bi-racial is some injustice, nor can I disvalue the fact that the lightness of my skin has given me privilege that some other people cannot relate to. What I am saying though is that growing up as a mixed person is something extremely confusing to navigate as a young person. Colourism and discrimination based on the colour of one's skin plays a massive part of how a mixed person views themselves, their identity, and also stems from the idea that our current society picks and chooses minorities they want to either praise or criticize. 

When people look at my ivory complexion, black hair and brown eyes, they are quick to assume I am south/ western European and have been the topic of many conversations with people I don’t know, stunned at the fact that I’m not fully European. “Oh, you’re not white?” “You can't be Asian? Look at how fair you are!” I can’t even tell you the number of times I have explained my ethnic background to someone just to get the response, “Well you look white so it doesn’t really matter.” 

I have always felt quite disconnected from the two sides of my ethnic background. I was born in England, with my fully English father and my Bengali mother- I then moved countries to live in New Zealand. Ever since I’ve been young, I have always remembered being in predominantly white areas. My primary school wasn’t very diverse, and whenever I wore a saree to school it was praised by my teachers because it just wasn’t a normal thing that was seen. As the years went by in primary, I started to conceal my culture- I was the odd one out and I didn’t want to be! Intermediate got better as I started to make friends who were from all parts of the world- the diverse space was healthy, and I needed it. Then high school… Yeah, it wasn’t very diverse. I didn’t talk about my Bengali side that much, and there was a big chunk of my high school life I was embarrassed to say where I was from because it was just so different. 

Now, in university, I see my biracial identity as a strength and something I am proud of. 

I remember being so embarrassed by my ethnicity because it was so different. I did everything I could to not bring up my nationality and just kept to myself. There was a large part of my teenage years I spent almost concealing any part of me that looked unique to my Bengali heritage, as I didn’t want to be ‘the odd one out.’ I look back at these years and am so proud of how far I’ve come, I love embracing my thick eyebrows, wavy hair, and long eyelashes. I also love my freckles and light brown eyes that’s been passed down from my English background. 

It's still interesting to me with the number of odd comments I will get about my ‘whiteness’ and the need for people to remain vigilant in telling me how my Bengali heritage isn’t a part of me because of how fair-skinned I am. Having this idea constantly pushed onto me that I am fake to my own community questions who I truly am, which is really hard. Personally, community is a very important asset I place on my identity and growing up separated from that is confusing. 

Reflecting back on how I feel now versus when I was younger, it’s amazing to see how much I have grown into my own skin, and embraced all my unique features. I feel so comfortable in myself, and have loved getting to know who I am inside and out. I believe a huge part of what has helped me embrace my uniqueness is surrounding myself with diverse people, whether that be in person to even who I follow on social media. Constantly seeing strong and unique individuals on my Instagram feed has been a powerful tool to help me tap into my own power as a bi-racial women which in turn, has made me love myself even more. 

I hope if you are reading this and you too are bi-racial, I hope some parts of this resonate with you and remember to never let anybody tell you who you are and who you're not- because it’s not up to them to decide; it's up to you.